When considering the third of the 3Rs, revenge, there's often a short circuit that takes place in our minds. Suppose someone asked you if you ever took revenge on others. Now, if you're like most people, you would think that you don't take revenge. Your underlying thinking might be that if you did, it would mean that you're a bad person. In order to maintain being a good person, you must think of examples of revenge that you would never do.
One of the ways to do this is by thinking that revenge is doing something extreme to someone else, such as inciting violence. If you don't participate in violence, then you don't exact revenge — and therefore you are a good person. This is often how our brains work regarding revenge!
So, in order to discuss revenge, we must define it. Revenge is any attempt to settle the score with someone. For example, perhaps an employee gave their viewpoint to a coworker, but the coworker didn't respond. As a result, the employee doesn't feel heard. The employee might then make a snide comment, one that puts down the coworker. That's revenge.
Hidden inside most of our minds is a little scorecard, or bank account, for each person in our lives. For example, a woman must ask her husband several times before he will do things for her. Sometimes, no matter how often she asks, he doesn't do them at all. Then she starts to plot how to get back at him, how to settle the score. That's revenge.
The revenge can take several forms. She can conveniently not be available to cook dinner or not be in the mood. She can turn her back on him and migrate to another part of the house so that he can't communicate with her. What is the solution for this woman? To recognize that she is in the revenge stage of the 3R's and move into giving, fair-fighting, or open and honest communication.
Revenge, or settling the score, is destructive to all parties involved, including the one who carries out the revenge. Recognizing this attitude doesn't mean we're bad. Like resentment and resistance, having the courage to recognize revenge and deal with it through giving, fair-fighting, or open and honest communication brings release, energy and increased creativity. For more on revenge and how to avoid being controlled by it, see pages 47-56 of Brian's book, If How-To's Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich & Happy.
How have you caught yourself in revenge lately and what did you do about it?
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